I received an amazing compliment from a co-worker yesterday. He told me I am an amazing woman, and an inspiration to him and others. He asked me about the 5K I'm running tomorrow and told me I am inspiring him to try and do more exercising. He also said he's so amazed at how much I've accomplished in the last three years, not just physically but personally and professionally. (I know he wasn't flirting with me either, because he's not into women...)
Anyway that got me thinking. It's interesting to me that I've now lost over 60 pounds. Yes. Me. Over sixty pounds lighter. And do you know what? I STILL FEEL FAT AND FLABBY. Yes, I do have a lot more weight to lose. Ideally I'd like to get to around 150-160, which means I have another 70 pounds or so to lose. In my mind I'm chunking that up into more doable mini-goals... I've set a goal to be at 221 by Christmas, which will mean a 10 pound loss from last week. I should be able to lose ten pounds in the six or so weeks left until Christmas. I don't usually do tangible rewards for weight loss, but there's a pair of sparkly purple Vans I have my eye on and I've promised myself those when I hit 221. When I reach 212, I'll be at the lowest weight I've been in 15+ years. After that is the under 200, and just beyond that is the 100 pound loss mark. I know I can continue to lose weight because it's become easy for me. I enjoy exercising and I'm very careful about what I eat now.
I should be proud of myself and excited about how far I've come already, right? I shouldn't feel flabby and unattractive. Clothes shopping is fun for me now because everything I try on fits. I'm not the biggest size in the store and praying they have something that will just be comfortable and not make me feel like a whale. I'm able to try on lots of things and find things that look good.
So why is it that when I look in the mirror, all I see is my giant, flabulous stomach? My legs are amazing. They're pretty much solid muscle. Seriously, you should see them. I'm quite proud of my legs. My arms have shrunk a lot too. My face has a shape again. My breasts have held their own and haven't shrunk too badly. But my stomach. It just hangs there and sticks out. In my mind I know it's much, much smaller than it was and I wonder how in the world I ever carried it around? It seems so big NOW! I can't imagine it was ever smaller!
I know a lot of this is my own body image issue. I'm doing amazing work. I'm down from a pant size 26 to an 18-20 depending on the cut. I'm able to wear an XL shirt instead of a 3X. I have so much more energy than I ever thought possible. I don't hurt getting up off the floor. I'm running 3+ miles several times a week and doing weight training in between. I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with how I look? I wonder if anyone is?
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